


all of my heroes die all alone (help me hold onto you)

by theragingstorm



Category: Batman - All Media Types, Young Justice (Cartoon), Young Justice - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Canon Disabled Character, Canon LGBTQ Male Character, Established Relationship, F/M, Friendship/Love, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Missing Scene, Multi, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-12
Updated: 2019-08-12
Packaged: 2020-08-19 08:24:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,048
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20206687
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theragingstorm/pseuds/theragingstorm
Summary: After the encounter at Granny Goodness’ place, Barbara does her best to be there for her partner.





	all of my heroes die all alone (help me hold onto you)

**Author's Note:**

> For @katekaned on Tumblr, with thanks to Greg and Brandon for finally curing my writer’s block. Title from Taylor Swift’s “The Archer.”

Despite how different it was from what she’d known before, Barbara really did love her new line of work. 

She had no regrets with what she’d chosen to do after she lost her legs. She was so much more powerful, had so much more influence. She did so much more good now. 

But even so, watching Jefferson twitch and moan in a hospital bed ten feet away, dark electricity crackling around his fingers, having seen the horror-struck faces of the kids that’d gone in as backup, with Kaldur’s and Wyynde’s grave, horrified, then sorrowful expressions imprinted on her mind, and watching over the man she loved as he flinched and cried out in his sleep, she still wished there was something more she could’ve done.

It’d been nearly two years now since she’d last been Batgirl. No, she didn’t long for her legs back anymore, despite what most people seemed to think. Didn’t long for mobility, at least not the literal kind. But though she had more power now, _then_ she’d been in the thick of things all the time, at the heart of each strike force, right on the frontlines. She’d always been able to leap directly into action — literally.

_Yeah, and I had to _answer_ to M’gann and Kaldur and Bruce and Diana,_ she reminded herself. _While now I’m their _equal_._ _It’s not like I could’ve done more for Jeff and Dick as Batgirl. In fact, I did _more_ than what I could’ve back then; I monitored them and stayed safe when as Batgirl I would’ve been captured and brainwashed right with them, so I was able to make sure they and everyone else got out safely by calling for Kaldur, and then I saved them from Gretchen re-capturing them. I did everything I possibly could’ve, and it’s more than almost anyone else on the planet could’ve done._

So why, sitting before Dick in his hospital bed, did she still feel so helpless?

He was sweating bullets, but his forehead was still clammy; shaking like he had a fever, intermittently crying out as if still in pain.

“It’s going to be okay,” she kept saying, her voice cracking, cupping his face in her hand. Knowing he couldn’t hear her. “Baby, it’s going to be okay. I’m here.”

Across the room, Drs Jace and Stone exchanged looks.

She bowed her head, hating that they — that _anyone_ else — could see her like this. Tears prickled her eyes; she wiped them away almost violently. Dark spots of salty, bitter water stained her sweatshirt sleeve.

“Barbara?”

She looked up.

Kaldur was standing over her again. His pale eyes were heavy with emotion, and he pressed a finned hand to her shoulder, squeezing gently, just like any human might.

“I am sorry,” he told her. “I know how it feels, when someone you love is suffering.”

Silas carefully moved to Jeff’s other side, out of earshot. Helga hesitated, lingering, as though she still wanted to hear what was going on, before she did the same.

Barbara looked up at her friend, then glanced at the door. Sure enough, his own partner was waiting just outside, watching Kaldur with love in his expression and the barest hint of concern.

“But he will recover. And do not be upset with yourself for things getting out of control. It was not anyone’s fault, and it accomplishes nothing.” His tone seemed to indicate that he was speaking from experience.

“You don’t know that he’ll recover.” Her voice was low. “We have so little experience with Apokoliptian tech; all we know for sure is that it’s designed to kill, to enslave, to torture, to further all their colonizing in the goddamn name of goddamn Darkseid. I —” She took a deep, shuddering breath. “Kaldur, if Violet hadn’t shown up, they’d still be under her thrall. They were made to attack their own teammates, she made _him_ of all people attack _you_, his _friend_. The things you told me about that place...how can I be sure this effect won’t last?”

Kaldur dipped his head. When she was younger, he’d seemed so wise to her, but so tired, so world-weary at such a youthful age, and she wondered how that could be. She hadn’t understood then.

“I wish I could tell you, Barbara. I truly wish I could tell you that it won’t.”

She swiped at her tears again.

“I can’t lose anyone else, Kaldur, I can’t —”

“We are stronger now, Barbara. Better prepared. But nonetheless, Tula’s, Ted’s, Jason’s, and Wally’s losses were not our fault. Not mine,” he added, almost to himself. “And certainly not his, for that matter.”

Barbara looked up again.

“He’s going to blame himself for this happening to him and Jeff, isn’t he.” It wasn’t a question. “Like he blamed himself for not being able to protect his teammates, his little brother, and his best friend.”

He nodded.

For a few moments, they were silent. The heart monitors beeped wildly while Jefferson pleaded unintelligibly with an unseen enemy, while Dick flinched back, shuddering in unseen pain.

“I am lucky to have Wyynde,” Kaldur said suddenly, surprising her. It seemed at first like a non sequiter. “He does not let me spiral into my bad habits. He reminds me to strive to be kinder to myself, and yet, simulaneously, to be the best version of myself.” He glanced back over his shoulder; she saw the spark that traveled between their eyes, an unspoken understanding. “If you’ll excuse me for saying so, humans are on the whole are wrong. Love does not make you better. It simply is there for you through your struggles; it forces nothing, nor does it by itself change you. It simply _encourages_ you to make _yourself_ better.”

It was then that Barbara understood what he was telling her. She sighed, sitting up straight and carefully brushing off the front of her shirt and hoodie. 

“Okay, Kaldur. I’ll keep that in mind.”

He gave her shoulder one last gentle squeeze.

“Take care, Barbara.”

Then he walked to the door, greeting his lover, the two of them walking away hand in hand, finally turning the hallway’s corner and vanishing.

Barbara sighed softly.

She wished she could’ve taken him to her Clock Tower. She hated having the doctors underfoot, hated how the kids kept popping up and giving her either confused or pitying looks. Most of the people there had no idea who she was, only that she cared for Nightwing; they just kept patting her shoulder or offering her cautious platitudes like she was just another upset civilian. On top of all that, she needed to work.

Maybe she should’ve returned home to her computers, kept her mind on the mission, left him in the hands of the doctors for now. It was what Bruce would’ve done, what he _did_ do, no matter how much _his_ heart was hurting.

But Barbara simply rolled a little bit into the corner, pulled out a tablet, and began to work right where she was, her brain furiously working on both the computer before her and Kaldur’s words lingering in her mind.

* * *

It must’ve been hours later, because when the hand was laid on her shoulder, when she started and looked up, outside the windows, at the edge of the LA skyline, the deep blue shadows of night were fading into pale gold. Across the room, Jefferson seemed to have finally settled a bit, even if he was still wincing every few seconds.

“Dr. Stone and I are going to step out for a little while,” Helga told her, looking down with treacly sympathy in her eyes. “You might want to go home now. No one will be here, and you’ve been sitting there all night, poor girl.”

_“Girl?” I’m _twenty_, lady, not two. And I’ve rewritten entire systems, taken down powerhouse organizations from my home, and gone toe-to-toe with Lobo, Despero, Mongol, the Light, and the Reach. I’m no _girl_ anymore._

But Barbara swallowed her annoyance for another time and instead twisted her face into something tearful, sniffling pitifully.

“I — I can’t,” she choked, inwardly cringing at how silly she sounded. No matter how much someone she loved was in pain, she’d never genuinely express how she felt to _strangers_. But unfortunately, some situations you couldn’t openly force your way into; a little lying and faking went a long way. “I can’t leave him alone...please. I can’t stop thinking of him hurt, in pain...I couldn’t possibly go home...please, _please_ let me stay.”

Silas looked a little doubtful. But Helga fell for the whole thing at once.

“Oh. I understand. Well then, of course you can stay, dear.”

Barbara sniffled once more for good measure, then watched triumphantly as the doctors walked out. The door didn’t close all the way, so she rolled over and pushed it till it _clicked_.

Now that her tablet was set down and everyone was gone, her mind finally settled.

She cast another look at the men in the hospital beds, feeling the effects of her long night and tangled emotions wearing on her body, making her eyes and muscles heavy. She wheeled a few more feet to the coffee counter and mini-fridge across from the beds; an odd thing to have in a med bay, certainly not something Bruce had ever had in his, but she supposed Garfield had thought that doctors and sick people especially would be in need of a pick-me-up.

Also, all the coffee mugs bore the logo or image of one of the League members.

She measured out the ground beans and water, leaning all her weight on her hand as her tired eyes watched the machine whir to life, the dribbles of liquid _drip, drip, dripping_ into the pot. She was just pouring herself a cup when a subdued, tired voice from behind nearly made her drop both the Batman mug and the entire pot.

“Any chance you could spare me some of that?”

Her entire upper body craned around, sloshing the coffee.

Dick’s eyes had opened. He was trying to sit up, to prop up his weight on his elbows so he could look at her. It looked difficult, far too much so for a strong, athletic young man.

Barbara rolled to him at once.

“Hey.”

“Hi.” He blinked slowly, shuddering. She offered him the coffee, and he pulled himself up into a seated position, sipping it slowly.

Barbara was almost afraid to touch him. Everyone else in their community, especially the kids, the ex-sidekicks, the current and former Team and Outsiders members, saw him as so strong, so driven, so untouchable. But unlike the others, there were times when she still saw him like Wally had once seen him, like how he was now: looking like he might shatter.

“How are you doing?” She knew better than to ask if he was okay.

Dick’s posture was too hunched over, and though he’d been out for the entire night, there were shadows under his eyes as though he hadn’t slept at all.

“Could be worse. Really. Worry about Jeff, not me. I got off easy. She _really_ wanted Jeff, for the powers, I think.”

“Don’t be absurd.”

He jumped. It’d come out loud and fierce.

“You were _tortured_ and _brainwashed_. That’s not a situation where you ‘get off easy.’”

“You shouldn’t worry about me,” he insisted, sitting up straight. He drained his coffee, setting the mug on the bedside table next to her tablet. Bruce’s symbol, the black bat with its wings outspread to intimidate, almost seemed to be watching them. “You have things to do. Heroes to assist. People to save. I’m not worth distracting you from that.”

“Dick, it’s seven in the morning. Literally everyone else is off duty right now,” she returned. “Give it up. You’re not getting me to go away. You’d have to pick me up and carry me out, and even so, you know damn well that if anyone did that without my wanting them to I’d punch and slap and bite them.”

“Really? You promise?” He smiled wanly. “Yeah. I know I can’t get you to do anything.”

“And don’t you forget it.” She briefly rolled away, steadying her breathing, trying to calm herself down, distracting herself by pouring more coffee. “Look. That place she took you to...”

“The X-Pit, she called it.”

“Yeah, Kaldur told me. That place, it...he also told me how it affects you.”

Dick went quiet.

“How it not only puts you in unbearable physical pain, like your body is literally coming apart, it...plays all your worst memories through your head. Your biggest regrets, all the strongest physical and emotional pain you ever went through, everything wrong you did and every wrong you did to others. Not only that, but it also plays all the horrendous things in the world you’ve witnessed or heard about, whether on the news or in person or anything else. It’s supposed to make you lose hope, he thinks. To make you think it’s not worth being free or good, that purpose is only found in giving up your principles...and yourself.”

Barbara turned back around, picking up his coffee cup and hers. Another Batman mug. Garfield must’ve accidentally gotten doubles.

She looked back down at the symbol. Even compared to the rest of their community, Bats especially tended to see and feel more pain than most.

“Don’t you _dare_ try to tell me again that you got off easy.”

When she returned to his bedside, she saw that Dick was crying softly. Her chest seemed to rip, her heart suddenly felt raw all over again; she set down the coffee and clasped his hand. He held onto her like a lifeline.

“I’m sorry, baby,” she whispered. “I’m so sorry. I wish I could’ve protected you.”

“That’s what we all wish for each other.” The tears spilled down his cheeks. “God...it’s not your fault, Babs. It’s not your fault, it’s —”

Her other hand pressed over his mouth.

“Don’t you say it was your fault, Richard John Grayson. Don’t you say it.”

He didn’t speak, but his expression was disbelieving.

“Listen to me.” She made sure their eyes were locked. “Jeff, Kaldur, Wyynde, and the kids don’t blame you for what happened. _I_ don’t blame you for what happened. You shouldn’t blame yourself.”

He said something into her palm.

“What?”

He took her hand away from his mouth, interlocking his fingers with it. Now he was holding onto both her hands, clutching her so tight.

“I said that I’m certainly not going to blame _you_ for it,” he said fiercely. “You’ve been everything to me since you became Oracle. And even before that, before we started dating, hell, even far before, before we even started sleeping together...you’ve always been my partner. Always watching my back. _I_ should’ve been more careful. Shouldn’t have been so cocky. Should’ve _known_ that she’d lead us into a trap...”

He was trembling again, lost in remembering. She squeezed his hands hard, trying to ground him.

“Dick, what did you see in that pit?”

He shuddered.

“What do you see when you sleep?” It came out more insistent, more intense, than she’d meant it to.

“Please don’t make me talk about it.” The tears dripped off his chin. “Babs, please, _please_ don’t make me talk about it.”

She realized her mistake, gritting her teeth in frustration.

Then she took a deep breath. And she softened her voice.

“I’m sorry. I just...I’m so angry at myself for this happening. I hate not being able to help you.”

“Babs, you _did_ help me.” Dick gave her fingers another squeeze. “You sent Kaldur and Wyynde for me. You kept Gretchen away from us while we were escaping. Without you...who knows if any of us could’ve gotten away?”

“I still...I wish I...”

“Like I said. I wish too,” he whispered. “I wish I had been more careful...had listened to you...”

Barbara let go of his hands; he made a soft, plaintive noise. But instead of pulling away, she hoisted herself out of her wheelchair, climbing into bed beside him. He wrapped his arms around her at once, holding her close. She let him, let him feel the solidness, the realness of her presence. She took his face in her hand again and kissed his cheek softly.

“You’re not there anymore,” she told him. “It’s over now. And I’ll say it again: _nobody_ blames you for what happened.” Her other arm wrapped under his body, holding onto him with ferocious love. “I’m here. My boy wonder. I’m here for you. As long as you need.”

He held onto her.

“Stay with me.” It was barely more than a murmur. “Barbara, stay with me. Tula, Ted...” His voice broke on the next names. “Jason...Wally. Our families, the people we love...God, Kent Nelson, Giovanni Zatara, Marie Logan, the Doom Patrol, and now Mrs. Garrick too...”

She held on tighter.

“I don’t want our people to suffer anymore either,” she said softly. “I don’t want to lose anyone else I love.”

His tears dripped onto her hoodie.

“And I especially don’t want _you_ to suffer needlessly.”

“I can’t promise you that, Babs,” he rasped. 

“Don’t promise me anything.”

Their eyes met again.

“Just know that we don’t have to carry this shit alone.”

“Babs...” Her name was barely more than a whisper.

“Yeah. It’s me. I’m here.” She kissed his cheek again. “_I_ know you can do this, Dick Grayson.”

They held each other as the sun came up in a slow burn of pink and gold; as their coffee slowly turned cold. Held each other as Jeff woke up, tiredly looking over at them, a little of his own pain and fear finally draining away as he realized _he_ was safe too.

Held each other until the doctors and the kids returned, until a new day and a new mission had to begin; she took her computer and left his bed.

But as long as his com was in, as long as her voice was in his ear, she would never _really_ leave him. Never not stay, never not encourage and help as much as she could.

As long as they knew each other. As long as he needed.


End file.
